Rachel's Zoom 50th Birthday

My cousin Rachel turned 50 last week, and her younger sister Margot planned a surprise 50th Zoom Birthday party. 15 screens gathered, about 35 people, and we each had candles lit when Rachel’s husband Ed carried his laptop downstairs to their dining room table.

He called, “Rach, you’ve got to se what Trump did now…. “, then informed us she was taking out the trash… “Rach!” when she was back inside, “Now we have to leave the country, come see this.” Rachel sat down in front of the computer. Ed had warned us she was not going to like this; that she’d been saying all day she’s glad her 50th birthday is happening during a pandemic, so she doesn’t have to acknowledge it with a party. But when she sat down and saw the faces of her cousins, parents, grandmother, in-laws, aunts and uncles and a few best friends, glowing with candle-light and admiration, she looked quite surprised, then started crying. We could see only her at the table, but Ed came over and she turned her head into him for a moment. Someone brought her a tissue. I was crying too, because I have that thing where you cry whenever someone else cries.

I also cried because I love my family so much, and Rachel especially. She’s eight years older than me, and for my earliest years she and I had a uniquely close relationship. Before I was born my parents lived for a few years in a cottage on the farm property where Rachel lived (my parents lived in a cottage where the workers used to live, and Rachel’s parents lived in the farm house, where my dad grew up and where his parents were egg farmers- Rachel’s parents took over the egg farm for awhile). She was three when she met my mom, and as my mom said to Rachel at the Zoom, “I remember when you were three you stood holding my hand as we watched the barn burn down” (that was a barn in which my mom had stored all her possessions; photographs, clothing, a car, everything she’d cared about and saved). Apparently Rachel had stood sobbing with my mom over the barn and the lost possessions. My mom told Rachel when we went around the zoom, taking turns sharing a wish for the coming year,…”since you were three you’ve been someone I could talk to.”

That’s who Rachel has always been for all of us, someone we can talk to. Eventually she decided to earn a PhD. in psychology, with marriage and couples as a specialty. That seemed like an obvious choice, because as long as I or anyone can remember, Rachel has been the person to go to with dilemmas, sadness, relationship problems, lovesick heart, career conundrums, anything!

Since Rachel had such a close relationship with my parents, when I was born she sort of adopted me. A few times she traveled to Silver Spring, Maryland. to stay with my parents (who had moved there from the farm in Guilford when my dad got a job playing in the Seldom Scene). She’d stay for several days to help my mom take care of me. (Once, when I was about 5 she watched Poltergeist with me, which changed the course of my bedtime-routine for many many years, as I became completely scared of the dark and had to sleep with blankets like a hood around my face, back to the wall, looking out for ghosts. I was terrified of being alone in the dark.)

Now I’m remembering how Rachel always felt like mine, and how I adored her. I haven’t thought about this for many years. She was so beautiful, smart, a talented artist and dancer. I watched her dance performances (at home and on stage), played air guitar on a tennis racket when she choreographed all the cousins in a music video to “Rio” by Duran, Duran, at a family gathering, glued myself to her side at parties, leaning against her, holding her hand and studying its shape and texture. I was kind of weird, but she accepted me.

I still feel a special trust and knowing between us. She’s always asked the deep questions that get right to what you need to talk about. But since we were younger, we haven’t seen so much of each other. She lived for years in California, and then I lived almost 10 in Germany. This makes me sad: That there are people in the world who, if they lived nearby would make life so rich and abundant. I was lucky to grow up with that, but now it’s hard to imagine, and my kids have never had family living near. After this shut-down-isolation, though, even just visiting my family for a few days will feel like an amazing luxury. The thought of sitting next to one another on the couch, sipping coffee and talking about our lives, watching our kids play. It’s the most lovely thing I could imagine. How I will savor it if it ever happens.

But back to the reality, the virtual family gathering - it worked! Despite not being excited about turning 50, for the Zoom birthday, Rachel wasn’t unhappy. At the end she said she was very moved to see all of us. She said she is not a cryer, but she cried again at the end and thanked us and said she loved us. We had all told her our wishes for the coming year, blown out our candles when she blew into the screen. The Zoom birthday accomplished more in 40 minutes than a several-hour party could. We experienced it in unison - communication, communion, celebration, distilled. Except we all missed hugging. And it would have been nice to taste the pie my aunt Louise, Rachel’s mom, had made in the morning, delivered so Rachel could bake it… it was in the oven during her party.

I am so lucky to have such a loving family. The Rosenthals always gathered on holidays, birthdays, for summer reunions, and my grandparents always said how important it was that us cousins be close. Now Rachel, as the oldest and always most responsible and mature cousin has taken on the role of family organizer in many ways. She hosts our Hannukah party, brings new traditions into our celebrations that reflect more of our family spirit than we even knew (such as during Rosh Hashannah, going around the room in a circle and telling the group our wish for the new year, and then the person next to you repeating and affirming your wish back to you). She makes home-made matzoh and amazing cakes (Louise, Rachel’s mom is still our pie baker, carrying on the recipe of my great-grandma Naomi, but Rachel tries new things and brings the decadence to another level.). She put together a montage of old home movies from our grandparents’ and parents’ childhood on the family farm for us all to watch on our Mother’s Day zoom.

On my wisest and most confident days, I am only as confident and wise as I was long ago when I saw Rachel more often, and was lucky to be influenced and inspired by her. I hope I can be as lovely as Rachel is when I turn 50.